Storebought Pastry & Iceburgs

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We’ve reached the month of May. The month that gives us the hustle and bustle of December but no presents. And hey here in Colorado it even gives you snow. It’s a month of school plays, field days, band concerts, last classes and “bring one of these for everyone to share” kind of months. Filled with a lot of extra parent work that masquerades as fun for the kids. Our own American version of Carnivale. 

I’m exhausted. With Easter and a church retreat and two kid birthdays in April I feel like I’m on one of those carnival rides that spins you around and the centrifugal force lifts you off the ground. You keep going round and round doing all of the regular activities but just add in this extra umph where you are going so fast you feet never touch the ground. 

We had a birthday party and a church potluck this weekend. I haven’t been legit grocery shopping in weeks. Just the “enough for a couple meals” kind of shopping. And I definitely haven’t mastered the high altitude baking. So when I remembered I needed to bring a breakfast item to our homeschool Moms group today my heart sunk. 

I’m not rhe “pick up a baked good from the store” kind of girl. I don’t mind if others do it, I enjoy a good grocery store pastry with the rest. But the idea of not taking something homemade felt unsettling to me. And on Monday after staring into my pantry and admitting my high altitude baking defeat I knew I had no choice. I just simply did not have the time or the energy to make something for my group. 

We are taking a marriage course at church that has been refreshing for us. No matter how good your marriage is there is always something you can improve or learn. And we’ve been talking a lot about icebergs. They say close to 90% of an iceberg is actually underwater. And often our struggles in life are like that too. From the surface they look a certain way, but when we dive down and dig deep we realize that the root of a problem is a bigger issue. Our hesitation at bringing a store bought baked food wasn’t what It looked like from above the water. The deeper darker truth was this….

I long to be known. 

And if I brought a recipe I made from home someone might ask me for it. We might connect. I might even hear how delicious my food was or how much someone loved it. I might get to share that my banana bread recipe is passed down for generations or that my chocolate cake is my secret go~to that everyone loves but really comes from a box. 

I long to be known. And I don’t think I’m alone. Don’t we all? For those of you that move often I know you get me. It’s so exhausting making friends. Telling and re-telling your life story. Opening up enough for others to really KNOW you. Sharing enough of yourself to truly be in community with others. The anxiety of going to a squadron event or a Bible study or a church retreat and just feeling so alone. And so unknown. 

I bought that store pastry. Because what I need in my life right now is less stress. And what I need in my heart is truth. And the truth is this. 

I AM known. 

Before the dawn of time, Jesus knew me. He knew my sins and my shame. He knew my fear and my failings. He knew my deepest longings and shortcomings. And still he CHOSE me. He died for me. The Bible says it very clearly. He even counts the hairs on my head. He sees the depth of my mind and heart and still he chooses to stay. 

And if I believe these truths then I reject the lies. I reject the lies that I need to perform to make friends. That I need to be anyone other than who He created me to be.  That if am seeking Him, that is enough. And He is enough. I am not only known but Him, but he loves me in spite of myself. 

Isn’t that a beautiful thing?

It doesn’t change my hearts desire. For friendship. For people to walk beside me in life. For coffee dates and the ease of chatting with someone who truly knows me. But if that never happens…it’s ok. Because He definitely doesn’t care if I bring store bought pastry. And the sweet ladies in my group? Neither did they.